When I found out we were expecting Olivia there was a wave of mixed emotions. We had been engaged for 6 months and life was amazing!!! We were happy plodding along not even planning the wedding just enjoying being engaged. We found out I was pregnant through a routine medical to get into flight attending with Virgin…. whoops!!! Needless to say I was too far along to continue on and begin training.
I am really grateful that my pregnancies where easy….. I even hate myself for saying that. I have nothing to whinge about…. I wasn’t sick, I wasn’t in pain at all and the first two I wasn’t even tried. It just felt strange having something grow inside me. It amazed me but I felt far from glowing and there was no connection between the foetus and I.
I was small the whole way through with Olivia and didn’t seem to gain much weight, this is where people felt the need to comment and judge me as though I wasn’t eating enough (trust me lady….I’m eating enough for the town)!!! Because people commented so much, their words started to get to me. I started to worry something was wrong. Before I knew it we hit 38 weeks, working with ease and didn’t feel the need to completely finish packing our hospital bag. I worked for myself and LOVED having my own business I was even working late into the evening the day before Olivia was born. I found myself timing these odd sensations are exactly twenty minutes apart. Then at 5.30am they were five minutes apart…. but no pain and no water breaking. By 6.30-8.30 they were every 2-3 minutes and lasting 33 seconds. Again no pain and no water breaking. This wasn’t labour, the hospital said to wait at home until it was unbearable. My mother in Law and my Mum talked me into to going to the doctor and getting an internal, at this stage we find out I am 5cms dilated by 9am. What??? This wasn’t labour, I was so calm and completely zen -THIS IS NOT ME AT ALL!!!! Under strict instructions I am to head straight to the hospital and not collect bags on the way up (lucky as I had NONE packed…... (whoops).
We get to the hospital all I want is an epidural. I was there when my nephew was born. I saw how much pain my sister went through. I know its going to get worse. GET ME THAT EPIDURAL before it gets painful. As the anaesthetist is going up my spine a contraction lifts me off the bed. I am swung around and checked, too late, this baby is coming!!! My head was in a spin, what was happening, how can the baby be coming, I cannot give birth without an epidural. I am not a brave person. I cry when I watch an episode of the bachelor. I cannot do this. I start to get anxious. Two contractions later 11.30am Friday the 2nd December 2011 Olivia Rose is born.
I go in to shock. I don’t cry with excitement, I’m not over whelmed with love, I just want to shower. I am not happy, excited, nervous, I feel numb. Is this normal? I didn’t have the overwhelming urge to feed her, or hold her. I started to resent myself. It wasn’t anything like I thought it would be as you see on TV or in the movies, I don’t want to hold her. They stitch me up. Yep I feel like I have been ripped the eff open and they have sewn me shut for good. That was the worse bit. That was the most painful. My body starts to shake uncontrollably as I go into shock of how quick this little vegemite has popped out...
My poor mum missed the birth by minutes. Then the wave of family, her only sibling, Aunties, Uncles and grandparents arrive. I barely hold her. I haven’t even fed her. But she is quiet, content and asleep. They all come here to have a cuddle, I would never deny them of that. And to be honest I didn’t really want to feed or cuddle. I just wanted to watch from afar. I was happy to distance myself as her proud dad and sister watched and snuggled her in awe.
11 months later and life is awesome. We are loving our little girl and she is the text book baby. Sleeps through from 6 weeks, transfers easy, feeds every 4 hours on cue, takes the bottle as well as milk from mum. Let’s have another. We have always said we want them close. What a brilliant idea. Nugget is one of five I am one of three. I LOVE big families, I always wanted 4 or 5!!! We’re doing it!
That was it…...pregnant by Olivia’s first birthday. Blissfully unaware in 7 months’ time our life was going to be turned upside down. – You will hate me – another perfect pregnancy. Labour this time round I had my bag packed from 35weeks.......I wouldn’t be caught out again. Worked up until 38 weeks…. 3 days after finishing work I am board. Hurry up baby!!!! Internal at my check up and doctor says there is no way I am going into labour within the next 24hrs the baby isn’t even down or engaged! Pissed off I decide I will walk everywhere, carry car seats up 5 flights of stairs to a level 3 apartment!!! IDIOT! 11 that night there’s a throbbing pain in my back, we get to the hospital just after midnight, 6cms dilated. “Quick call the mums and get them here” I was determined time to have mum and my mother-in-law there for the birth. July 26th 2013 2.50am Isabella Mae is born!!! I had finally had my head around my reaction when Olivia was born, I no longer felt guilty. It’s how I deal with the labour process and birthing situation. Knowing this time what to expect after the birth I am more relaxed and at ease with not feeding or holding her straight away and knowing its ok to let Nug bond and cuddle her while I get myself under control, mindful not to put that pressure on myself like before.
Life with 2 is …………………... interesting!!! But we love it, they play so well together and there is such a great bond between the two girls. Juggling the two kids and still running a business was taking its toll. Time to give up that dream, it was hard to let go. I loved it. But I loved my children and I couldn’t run a business the way I wanted to without having amazing supporting staff……that I lacked!
As my sister kindly told me, I have a new career now, as a mother. These words have stuck with me very true and very raw, every time I get a twinge of jealousy as Nug goes off to work or girlfriends are busy at their desk or work place I remind myself of these words.
Away for a weekend in Newcastle visiting our great friend’s child free (Isabella 15 months old not talking and breeze and textbook bub like her sister…. annoying sorry, but that’s why we keep having them) we finish discussing if we have another it needs to be soon…. I want to be done and dusted with pregnancy by 30. I blurt out…… “one more” Nug nods. 6 weeks later pregnant with bub number 3. The comments roll in “trying for a boy” “oh hope nugget gets a boy” it’s amazing how people feel it is acceptable to comment on everything. That really ticked me off. Nugget and I had discussed this even before Olivia was born “I would be happy if I had 5 girls and no boys. As long as they are happy and healthy kids that’s all I want” these words rung through my ears every time a comment was made by someone about the gender of this baby. Or the fact that we were only having this baby to try for a boy. Honestly!!!!! At the 20 week mark we decided we would find out what we were having. “BOY” the piece of paper said “HA yeah right” nug and I said the exact same time. We didn’t believe it. We knew these things could be wrong. Who knows it could have a very swollen fanny! We chose to believe it was more than likely a girl. We had a girl name picked, we believed we didn’t need to buy anything as it was going to be a girl. We just told our parents and siblings what the piece of paper said, but emphasised how wrong they can be. It’s bound to be a girl. That’s all there is on Nug’s side. 11 grandchildren……all girls!!!
This pregnancy was different in the fact that my pelvis was achy, heart burn and reflux started at 15weeks and all I wanted to eat was fast food…...anything healthy made me nauseous……what a shame!!!! Labour and birth…. well…. this one freaked me out a little more. Even though I had done it before I was still really worried. Bag packed at 32 weeks. What if I didn’t make it to the hospital in time? I don’t want to give birth half way between home and the hospital? What if I lose the baby before 40 weeks?
The third time pregnant you think you know what signs too look for with labour, I was the opposite. Worried about every tightening, every little bit of wee “is the membrane leaking??” and every little pain could be it. That was the most stressful, I think the first your blissfully unaware of what will actually happen. Jameson Edward arrived 5 days early, labour was 2 and ½ hours, I was at hospital for 40 minutes and he was born. My body again went into shock. I couldn’t believe I had done it. How had he come so quickly? How had he turned out to be a boy? Then a wave of content washed over me…. that’s it, we are done. No more pregnancies, no more labour, no more birth, no more stitches. What a strange feeling.
5 months on and I am adjusting to 3 children under 4 with their swimming, dancing and days at care, my beautiful step daughter every second weekend, a husband working away, doing beauty clients from home as a hobby, I’m back at work and 4 and ½ months into study. When I write it down my life seems so full on and…. well… chaotic! The judgement, the stares even the comments about how I am too young to have 3 children (FYI I’m not young)! It gets easier, every day I know where we are, I have the bags and lunches packed the night before and I make sure we are out and about at least once a day. It doesn’t feel busy, it’s just what we do now. Don’t get me wrong, there are challenging times that the day is so hard I want to curl up on my bed shut the door and just be left alone or even take a day off.
Then I put everything into perspective, how selfish of me, I remind myself of just how lucky I am, lucky to have these healthy amazing humans in my life, to go through all 3 pregnancies without any drama, to conceive with just sheer luck. Lucky to have such amazing in laws and friends who provide me with a fantastic support network that allows me to go back to work and to study. Lucky we both have a job to go to. Lucky to have Nugget by my side.
Lucky to be here enjoying them and all these moments!!!