In my thirtieth year on the planet, I'm smack bang in the middle of the circle of life.
On the same day my darling boy started his journey by being born, my beloved mother started the final leg of hers by entering palliative care. No longer sustainable to be at home, my dear ma has been transferred into the hospital and hospice systems. How can the complete darkness or incredible joy consume me at this time? I exist between excruciating pain of ultimate loss and the glorious wonderment that comes with newborns.
( Ari in Mum’s Arms in Hospital )
( Mum with Leo, my first born during her treatment )
It is a total mind fuck and yet an incredible life experience. I don't want to write about how shit, unfair and fucked up it is to lose your mummy because I'm pretty sure you know how bad that is or could be. Instead, in these life changing days I want to reflect and share some of the things I'm truly grateful for in this time:
For my dear Ari along with his big brother Leo. They make me too busy to wallow, force me out of bed every morning and fill the world with love.
For my hubby who knows how to run a household and be by my side (especially when I was out of action after a caesarean).
For a flexible work environment that has allowed me to care for mother and savour every possible moment with her.
For strong women, the steel magnolias in my life. Who step up, 'get shit done' and basically make sure we survive.
For gorgeous in laws who have accepted me as a daughter.
For laughter. Even when mum has been high as a kite on morphine she still cracks jokes.
For nurses who are angels among us.
For super smart and compassionate doctors.
For fantastic support services that have allowed me to breastfeed after severe feeding issues.
That we live in a country with excellent health care, denied to many around the world.
For the chance to say goodbye. I know this is a privilege that not everyone receives. The blessing of this is not lost on me.
For the small things that turn into big things such as hot baths and showers. After weeks upon weeks of Breastfeeding in hospital chairs, the back and shoulders appreciate a good soaking!
For the prayers, love and light been sent our way. I know this is what is getting me through, not in my own strength but the support of others and a higher power.
For the true realisation for what is important in life, which in turn has made me appreciate more and want less.
Please, go and call your mum and tell her you love her if she is physically still here. If not, our mums are always with us, but I'm so sorry and feel your pain of missing them every single day. I hope there is a newborn around you can borrow for cuddles to ease the agony.
( Ari and me in 2016)
Emma Madsen is the Editor of LOVEFLOCK, a space for all women to express, connect and to find growth and all about #womensupportingwomen. Connect with Emma and LOVEFLOCK: