Whoever said that being a parent was easy must have been a husband/fiancè/boyfriend etc that slept through every single night feed and nappy change. Assholes.
I love being a mum, it really is the most rewarding, challenging, exhausting, exciting and overwhelming job IN THE WORLD! However, there are times where I feel I just can’t adult and want to go out, get white girl wasted on Mojitos and Caprioscas, come home and sleep until 3pm the next day. I am sure I COULD do that, but good luck trying to look after a baby with a massive hangover. To be honest, I have not felt the urge to do that as yet but the Mojios do sound pretty bloody good don’t they?
I have found myself lately becoming quite irritated and frustrated (more so because I’m so fricken’ tired) but everything is really getting to me. Not only are we trying to plan a wedding (well this was overseas but plans change) and a christening, but we also need to look for a house to buy. Add a lack of sleep to that and this chick has resting bitch face turning into actual bitch face.
I’ve always suffered from anxiety quite bad and have learnt to deal with it without medication but these past few weeks have really gotten to me. I’m so incredibly lucky to have such a supportive yoncè that is very patient and helps out when he can. Yes, I’ve cried. I’ve cried to the point where my eyes have been so puffy I look like I’ve had an allergic reaction to something, I’ve cried so much that I’ve stayed in the shower, sitting on the floor, for over 40 minutes (at least I saved on tissues, snot right down the drain). Now don’t get me wrong, I have the most amazing baby (apart from the shitty leaps they go through). She is really cruisy and just goes with the flow which is awesome, but those times that she can’t be settled or just won’t sleep, it hits me hard. Is it because I can’t help her? Is it because I’ve had enough? Is it because I feel like I’m failing? I don’t actually know. All I know, is that sometimes I just can’t even (insert hair flick here).
I am home with her all day and I have learnt what is best for her (and me) and we have this game plan going but at times, the game is changed and I want to be put on the bench. I know I can do this. I know I am a great mum, no wait, I am a bloody awesome mum and I can get through whatever this parenting gig throws at me.
You just have to have an amazing group of people around you to support every decision you make (regardless how shitty is may be), be there for you when you feel like you are not cut out for this parenting thing and lift you up, tell you, you are doing an amazing job as a mum and how proud they are of you. You need that. It is so important.
I AM an amazing mum.
I AM my daughter’s best friend.
I AM doing the best I can do.
I AM bloody awesome.
Krystle Bridges xx
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When I imagined motherhood I pictured it to be this magical place. Where you just lay around with your beautiful baby all day, dress them up in cute little outfits and take pics of them and cook delicious, nutritious meals for the family to enjoy together.
Well that’s pretty much what it was like for me with my first daughter, Miss I. She slept all night, she ate asparagus and other vegetable varieties, people gave her the cutest clothes and I’d dress her up and take her out. We would sometimes lay in bed together and just snuggle until 11am and I would often stay in my PJ’s all day. It was magic in my heart. So much so that when she turned 1 we thought, hey let’s have another one.
And then something truly ‘magical’ happened- TWINS! Oh my goodness. This was not really part of the plan. To have 3 kids under 2 wasn’t really how I had pictured it going. But here we were. And just like that, the honeymoon was over baby and the magic began to subside!!
I read so many twin Mum stories and blogs about being #blessed with double the love, double the cuddles and double the fun. Well, I’m going to be super honest about my experience and say that yes there’s definitely love, but far out it has been double the hard and half the magic for me. I don’t think I’ve ever said anything so controversial or vulnerable out loud in such a public way, but here it is.
There’s so much crying. So much mess. So much planning and thinking. So much guilt. So much of yourself given away that it’s hard to see if there’s anything left of ‘me’. And at the end of the day, there is so much love, but the real struggle for me, is to simply be there and enjoy it with one child in their magical moment. That’s what I really miss.
Do you know how rare it is for 3 kids under 2 to all be feeling ‘ok’ at the same time? You may know all too well that it’s pretty rare. One child just wants a magical moment with Mum while the others are doing everything they can to take that magic away for themselves. A constant battle for attention. Crawling all over you, wiping their vegemite fingers on your white t-shirt (white is not a good choice by the way), climbing up on tables, jamming fingers in the drawer, poking you in the eye, begging you for an icy pole or sprinkling their popcorn all over the house like magical little popcorn fairies.
I’ve been constantly on. I’m constantly being touched. I’m constantly trying to keep one step ahead because it’s more painful and exhausting if I’m not. I’m constantly being the person that is responsible for the lives of these small people who totally hold my entire heart in their hands and I can never switch off from that. I rarely get a moment to myself and yet I’ve never felt more isolated.
That’s what Motherhood has looked like for me for the last 18 months. A stark contrast to my first 18 months. There have definitely been glimpses of magic in this season of Motherhood for me, but it’s mostly been hard yakka, and I’ve definitely been giving myself a hard time about that. I’m just starting to come out of the fog of it all and wondering, will I ever have that magical feeling about being a Mum again? And I’m very slowly starting to believe the answer is yes.